But I was wrong.
In October I found out the truth from my daughters. Turns out their dad had been communicating and dating many people and was having conversations with these people in front of my kids. When they couldn't keep it in any longer, they told me what was going on. I confronted their dad and he tried to deny it. He tried to act like it was nothing, and even "promised" to stop seeing and dealing with the one woman he'd been dating since October.
I was dumb enough to believe him.
By November we decided our family needed to move and establish ourselves in a new home. The one we were living in was very expensive and didn't have a kitchen. I was cooking most of my meals at my sister's house and it was a lot for both families. I also felt uncomfortable with the owner of the home we were renting as well, because he would be peeping into out windows and just gave me creepy vibes. So we decided to go camping for the month of November.
Nothing like nature to heal and reset the energy of Self. It was really hard to camp. I've done weekend camp and a week of camping but this was going to be for an entire month. I felt it was a huge sacrifice but we needed time to regroup and assess what the future was for us as a family. I was optimistic.
But I was wrong. As my spouse continued to see the woman he said he'd stopped seeing.
I was devastated. I was without a "home" and now left on my own with my kids.
I ended up going to my sister's house for the Thanksgiving week and stayed there. All 4 of us, staying with my sister, her husband, their 3 kids and my mom. It was a lot for them to take on, and I'm grateful they allowed us to stay with them for so long.
In December I began to feel nauseous all the time. I assumed it was the flu that was going around and didn't think twice about it again.
Then I missed my period. My breast began to feel sore and I knew I had to take a test.
I took 3 pregnancy tests, and they were all positive.
I was devastated. I had no stable housing, or spouse, or job, or anything to make me feel "safe".
When I told my kids father he said he didn't want it, and if it was born, something would be wrong with it. It made me so sad because he was angry and said those things out of anger, but it's how he really felt.
I continued to stay at my sister's house through Christmas. Sometimes my spouse would get us a hotel room for a week and we'd take a break and allow my sister to have her home back.
He continued to swear he wasn't seeing that woman and acted like were all going to be okay.
By January, I was getting messages from the woman saying my spouse never stopped seeing her and he was even living with her. It crushed me. I had never done anything to this man but love him, and he used it against me, every time.
In February my daughters and I moved into the home we live in now. I was so grateful to have a stable home for my girls!! They were slowly losing their spirit from not having their own space and stability.
All the while my spouse kept saying he stopped seeing that woman. However he never stopped dating, and I'm sure is still dating other people to this day. He was never really there for me during this pregnancy.
I've been thinking of how that played into Solomon ascending before his arrival. While it was a random occurrence, and a mystery, I can't help but wonder if it's because he didn't want to come into this mess of a family.
I never had my dad growing up and it affected my greatly. I always felt that if my own dad didn't love me, why would any man love me? I was able to heal from that trauma a few years ago, but this last year has really pushed me in digging deeper into this trauma. I try and detach and see the bigger picture and sometimes I feel the lesson and wisdom. But the death of my son has really made me plummet down the spiral. While I do my best to stay above water and accept what is - my heart is heavily heartbroken.
Now my mind is thinking the reason Solomon left us is because he, Solomon, was the only reason I would try with his dad/my spouse again.
This Friday is Solomon's funeral. Guess where it is? In Westminster. Ya, same city that his mistress lives in. He even picked that mortuary, saying his sister's friend worked there. Now that I think about it, maybe it's not his sister's friend but his mistresses friend. It's another knife to my already broken heart.
All I can do is move forward. Keep my head up, like Tupac said, and move forward.
So much to unload and process. I have 3 beautiful reasons to keep going - and that's my amazing daughters. They are the reason I am able to keep going, and keep processing. I'm doing my best to heal and grow from this year - for them. Because they deserve to have a happy and healthy mom that dies of old age, not a broken heart.
It's been one year and all we can do is rise from here.