While I was in the hospital, I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to sleep and rest. Why should I rest and get relief when my baby would never experience that? So when I finally fell asleep, for 4 hours, I awakened and remembered. All I could think was where is my baby, followed by I want my baby! My body searched for him, to feed him, smell him, hold him. But he wasn't with me. I'd never be able to do that, ever. It's something I'll have to live with everyday from now on. How is the question - and the answer will only arrive in living through this.
Stillbirth is a topic only known to those who experience it. The CDC states "Stillbirth affects about 1 in 160 births, and each year about 24,000 babies are stillborn in the United States". I've gone 20 plus years without knowing about stillbirth even though I have 3 children. Miscarriage is more widely known and occur in 10 to 15 percent out of 100 pregnancies. These are just numbers, but there are human beings and hearts behind these statistics. This is a statistic I'd never be a part of, especially after 3 live births.
Since I've had 3 children, my body holds memories of postpartum and began to provide for baby as soon as I birthed him. My body doesn't know he died and is still producing milk, my womb is in mourning and my hands are empty. Our bodies are so amazing it works equally to heal itself starting with breastfeeding. Oxytocin is released when we breastfeed and that creates a cycle of healing. Oxytocin not only helps to release your breast milk during breastfeeding, but it’s also responsible for many interesting changes in your body:
*causes your uterus to contract to help push out your baby during childbirth
*helps your uterus to contract and shrink after labor
*lowers stress and anxiety
*lowers blood pressure
*may protect against postpartum depression
Now, I have to navigate my way through the darkness and heal for the sake of my 3 living daughters - who are observing this process as well. I am focused on being grounded, honoring my feelings and emotions, respecting the cycle of life and death, and uplifting my children in a new way with a new perspective. One of gratitude, appreciation, and enjoying every moment with my amazing human miracles.